I am listening to ZAZ a lot these days. In love with Je Veux, also with La Lessive – well, pretty much with her whole CD. The music is dancing around in my head, makes me smile and my feet wiggle while writing.
Today I was thinking about my never ending faith. No matter what fuckery life throws at me, I can’t lose my humor, and never, ever my faith. I don’t care what you believe in. Believing you must. For those big moments, when you can’t go on for one more step, without dropping to the ground like someone cut off your strings from the marionette you feel you are, you probably need God. Well, I absolutely do.
Other times I must believe that a good cup of coffee, sun light and good music will lift my spirits enough to get me going. ~~~~~ The faith in my own abilities comes and goes, which is troublesome, but inevitable. Simply because I suck in enough areas to have a healthy knowledge of my own shortcomings. On the other side I am fully aware of my gifts and talents, but became a pro in corrupting myself on any given day depending on my state of mind. All together a very unfortunate situation. Not very fruitful to say the least!
The absurdity of it all is the fact that life itself is beautiful, inspiring and healing. You don’t even need to look far. Now we just need to be able to see and feel it. To be aware of it, that’s the problem. The magnificence of nature, the wonder of creation itself is a miracle. Yes, I know, old stuff. Forever talked about. Boring right?
Well, if I can not find excitement in a 6$ cup of Starbucks coffee and expensive shoes; if riding a Porsche is just as dull to me as starring at an electric box on the side of the road, when gossip or small talk drives me up the wall, well, then it’s not talked about enough. Because it is all I have left. I consider myself lucky that way. I have driven a Porsche, I had that coffee, and the shoes.
But clouds breaking over the alaskan mountain range after hiking in the rain, and witnessing those rays of light finally touching the glittering peaks and glacier rivers running through the wide open valleys; when all dull grey is stripped away, and earth comes to life, laced in colors which defy all words, now there is something!!!
Let’s include a really, really great photoshoot where the poetry of the story unfolding in front of me, literally consumes every inch of myself.
Let’s include sex, where love flows from both hearts like blood in my veins. Where I want to melt into his body and soul, to be one, even if just for a mere second.
Let’s include a stroll through the woods on a late Summer’s day. The sun reaching here and there through the dense canopy of the trees. Spotlights on little green still lives, which are so perfect that I hold my breath. Not wanting to miss the glow of one rain drop on that leaf on that mossy old log in front of my lens. Gazing up into the green heaven above me, feeling sheltered and surrounded by magic everywhere.
I believe! Because I know, and I hope you will as well. I will come to some tools and meditations I use later. Not everything works with someone who often has the attention span of a 5 month old puppy on a good day. Driving to yoga classes is tricky if you don’t like closed rooms with a bunch of strangers, and even if I face my fears I can’t always break free of my limitations. Sucky fact indeed, so let’s work around it, because we can be content, as well as happy! No, not every day, not every week! But then again that is ok. Being content is often a gift given to those who have to slow down, if they want to or not. It will come to you. Now if we just all chose to do exactly that, we’ll all be better of.
I have been so absolutely happy in my life, that for a split second I realized, if I would die right here and now, that I would know (!) I have truly lived! That it was all worth it!
I had that! I had moments like that. How happy that fact alone should make me!!!How grateful should I be! And I am.
I believe in my ability to love others, and to be crazy out of this world happy! And when the time comes where I have to fight, and don’t want to exist anymore, because depression unleashes it’s force again on my body, mind and soul, I still believe!
Because I must! Because I am among the lucky ones. In my most desperate moments where there is nothing but void and darkness, I will still thank God for the life, the love and the children he has given me, even if I can’t feel him anymore.
Because I believe.