Am I still here ?

Image from my fantasy photo session: The Waterbride

The bare birch trees next to the window matched the sky today. After dinner we sit over a game of cards, when I look at my husband and ask:” Can you still see me!?” He knew immediately what I meant, saying:” Of course, baby!” Looking back at the cards in my hand my mind strays….

When feeling lost and sad, thoughts like that pop up. I often wonder if I, the real me, is already diminished to a point where I would not even be missed. Do I slowly disappear?! A little more with each episode!? Am I still there?!

So I look around and see photos of various sessions pinned on the inspirational board with a big, silver glitter star in the middle. I so love the look of it all. My work, my motivation. I look towards the kitchen where the big white scale is topped with soaps from a batch I made last week; now wrapped in parchment paper and kept together with used rubber bands. Ready to be shipped to fill some small orders.

I look at the old shopping list on the fridge which I had written for John a while back. On the back it reads: “This man is married to Mrs. Awesome!” – I knew he would concentrate on the list as always, walking fast through the aisles, holding it up. I laughed so hard when he came back.

I look at the bowl filled with rose petals from my Valentine bouquet. Now drying to be stored in a big jar to help restock my flowers and herbs for balms, soaps, reductions, etcetera.

I look at the casserole dish with the left overs of tonight’s mystery dinner. Named like that since I used what ever needed to go, and that ended up being an interesting concoctions. I look at the open laptop where I had updated my websites earlier, fighting with the coding as always, and with my half empty coffee mug still next to it. I look at the open box with some decor stuff I want to list , since my available budget shrinks as always too fast. I look at the pile of paper, covered with markers; it is this script I am getting ready to submit to publishers. And I look at the last text on my phone from my daughters after I texted Good Night, answered with two hearts and a snoozing cartoon cat under a night sky.

Yeah, he is right. I am still there. My soul is whole right now. My heart is full. I am regaining strength. Inhaling each moment of each day of this keep-it-real life we crafted for us.

I sink my face into our dog’s fur and I can hear my soul singing; thanking God for yet another wholesome day!

Love and Light to you.

Simone

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